I think a lot of people don’t understand what real romance is. Anyone can buy flowers, candy and jewelry. The truly romantic things in life are those little things you do every day to show you care, and that you’re thinking of them. It’s going out of your way to make them happy. The way you hold her hand when you know she’s scared, or you save the last piece of cake for him. The random text or call in the middle of the day, just to say “I love you” or “I miss you”. The way he stops to kiss you when he passes by. It’s dedicating her favorite song to her, and letting her eat your fries; telling her she’s beautiful. It’s putting your favorite show on pause so she can tell you about her day, and laughing at his jokes, even the really lame ones. It’s slow dancing in the kitchen and kissing in the rain. Romance isn’t about buying, it’s about giving. True romance is in gestures.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Thursday, October 30, 2014
10 Simple Things That’ll Make You Productive Every Day
Do you always find yourself thinking what to do for the day when your boss is not around, or you are just caught in the middle of idleness? Guess what? You are not alone. There are simple things for us to do to make our days count, and finally live up to the idea, “Carpe Diem”.
1. Exercise
There’s no excuse on this when you find yourself sitting on your desk and just fidgeting. There’s not even an acceptable excuse when you’re on your 30s and you still don’t invest in your health. Get up, do some minute push-ups, burpees, wall-sit, and/or sit ups. There is even a seven-minute workout app you may download to psyche you up when the day seems a drag. Health is wealth, darling.
2. Come up with 10 new ideas every day.
A new art project, a blog concept, a new write-up you may want to publish. ANYTHING. There’s nothing wrong with your ideas. What’s wrong is when minds get idle, and you think of being negative and unproductive. At most ten (or at least) things for each day will not only get you excited about these ideas but also make your brain function the moment you say hello to another great day.
3. Read the news.
Ignorance is bad. The way you perceive news depends on how you want your day to end either. Majority of the headlines speaks of negativity, but who cares? At least the essence of news is to be aware, to be notified, to be informed. Go grab that newspaper from your mailman and stay up-to-date!
4. Write.
There are ideas that will just spring from any given moment of our lives that not writing it down will make us forget it. It’s true. When you go to the mall, and you happen to stay in a café, or dine in a restaurant, grab a pen and paper and write about the things you notice – the water stain on the utensils, or even to the interiors of the place. Your waiting time will be fun.
5. Play the devil’s advocate.
There are couple of ideas we see and hear in the Internet, in between coffee breaks, or during seminars. Play the devil’s advocate and criticize. I mean an intellectual, sensible, and logical criticism here. Through this you get to understand fully the situation, and you get to converse with the most intelligent minds in the room. You won’t regret it.
6. Have a Word-of-the-Day
Technology has simplified the way we do things, right? Why not have a daily vocabulary app and improve your diction? How does ‘obsequious’ appeal to you?
7. Make two (2) lists. One is “Work-related Skills I Want To Have” and the other, “Things I Want To Achieve in the Future”
These two lists will make you want to see a bigger picture of yourself and how you want to make the most out of your life. There’s nothing wrong in dreaming big. The thing here is you get to know what you want. How about start with a beginner’s course in using Adobe software?
8. Make an “I DID” List.
To be happy, productive and successful means recognizing your efforts and being grateful for the day that has passed. Making an “I did” list ensures that no matter how the day ended up, you still get to see the positive side of it through the things you have achieved and accomplished.
9. Read a chapter of a (1) fiction, and (2) non-fiction.
This does not only make you human, but reading in general adds up to your being. (It also makes you oh-so-smart.)
10. Enjoy the Art of Doing Nothing
This may seem contradictory but it is not. Setting up some time to do nothing just leaves you a breather from all the things that you are used to do. Just be in bed, listen to music, and enjoy the rest of the day. 
13 Simple Tricks To A Long And Happy Marriage
It's no secret that marriage takes work. After all, we're only human, and humans make mistakes, have bad days and sometimes even forget to load the dishwasher (again).
Nevertheless, some couples are able to foster happy, healthy, totally awesome marriages that actually do last a lifetime. How?
A a Reddit thread emerged Sunday asking the happily hitched to reveal their secrets to marital success. Here's what they had to say:
1. Be nice.
"Choose kindness whenever you can -- you should be AT LEAST as nice to your spouse as you would a stranger or you were when you started dating."
"Choose kindness whenever you can -- you should be AT LEAST as nice to your spouse as you would a stranger or you were when you started dating."
2. Enjoy each other's company.
"My wife and I are each other's best friend. We like each other's company. We like having fun. We like doing stuff together. We are honest and direct with one another."
"My wife and I are each other's best friend. We like each other's company. We like having fun. We like doing stuff together. We are honest and direct with one another."
3. Say "I love you" as much as possible.
"Overuse 'I love you'. Seriously. Just say it to him/her like five times and MEAN IT. This lets your SO know that you care. Look at them and say 'I love you so much, you mean the world to me, I appreciate all the things you do for me and our family.'"
"Overuse 'I love you'. Seriously. Just say it to him/her like five times and MEAN IT. This lets your SO know that you care. Look at them and say 'I love you so much, you mean the world to me, I appreciate all the things you do for me and our family.'"
4. Be honest.
"Be honest about shit that pisses you off, don't sweat the small stuff, and have good sex."
"Be honest about shit that pisses you off, don't sweat the small stuff, and have good sex."
5. Limit outside influences.
"Out of state in-laws."
"Out of state in-laws."
6. Small tokens of love go a long way.
"Lots of wee lovings. Frequent demonstrations, in the form of gifts, and expressions of affection, which indicate your emotional addiction."
"Lots of wee lovings. Frequent demonstrations, in the form of gifts, and expressions of affection, which indicate your emotional addiction."
7. Distance can and will make the heart grow fonder.
"Have alone time. I believe that it helps if you or your partner goes away for a couple of hours, a weekend or maybe a week once in a while. My wife travels to Europe every four months and I get to play video games and eat fried dumplings all day long and I enjoy it -- until day four at which I start missing her and wish she was here. So when I pick her up from the airport we are both happy to see each other again."
"Have alone time. I believe that it helps if you or your partner goes away for a couple of hours, a weekend or maybe a week once in a while. My wife travels to Europe every four months and I get to play video games and eat fried dumplings all day long and I enjoy it -- until day four at which I start missing her and wish she was here. So when I pick her up from the airport we are both happy to see each other again."
8. Be realistic.
"Me and my wife constantly acknowledge what we love about one another, but also wenever forget about the 80/20 rule. No one person will ever give you a 100 percent of what you need, we estimate that we each give each other about 80 percent of what the other person needs in a relationship. Recognizing this allows you see the reality of your partnership and not over-romanticize it."
"Me and my wife constantly acknowledge what we love about one another, but also wenever forget about the 80/20 rule. No one person will ever give you a 100 percent of what you need, we estimate that we each give each other about 80 percent of what the other person needs in a relationship. Recognizing this allows you see the reality of your partnership and not over-romanticize it."
9. Cherish each other.
"Don't forget how important the little things are, like a hug or a compliment. Don'ttake each other for granted."
"Don't forget how important the little things are, like a hug or a compliment. Don'ttake each other for granted."
10. Be your own person.
"One must understand the importance of we, but also remember there will always be a you and I. It's so easy to the think of yourselves as one person once you get married or start dating. But you always have to remember that you're both completely separate individuals in that, as close and as similar you are, you will have differences in opinion and taste."
"One must understand the importance of we, but also remember there will always be a you and I. It's so easy to the think of yourselves as one person once you get married or start dating. But you always have to remember that you're both completely separate individuals in that, as close and as similar you are, you will have differences in opinion and taste."
11. Build a strong foundation of friendship.
"You have to be friends. Your husband or wife should be someone that you'd want to hang out with. Of course you have to have the sexual aspect but that's not enough to sustain a relationship. You're going to go through hard times and you need someone who you want to spend your time with."
"You have to be friends. Your husband or wife should be someone that you'd want to hang out with. Of course you have to have the sexual aspect but that's not enough to sustain a relationship. You're going to go through hard times and you need someone who you want to spend your time with."
12. Know that relationships are a two way street.
"Be honest about what you want and need and listen to your spouse about what they want and need."
"Be honest about what you want and need and listen to your spouse about what they want and need."
13. Lastly, no marriage is perfect -- and that's okay.
"Understand that nothing is perfect forever. There are going to be disagreements. There will be times when your partner says or does something that hurts you. The happy relationships will talk about it and work through it. The bad relationships will let it stew until it becomes an even bigger problem."
"Understand that nothing is perfect forever. There are going to be disagreements. There will be times when your partner says or does something that hurts you. The happy relationships will talk about it and work through it. The bad relationships will let it stew until it becomes an even bigger problem."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/06/happy-marriage-advice_n_5941372.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063
An Introvert’s Guide to Networking
very week, I get invited to another “must attend” business event sure to be full of important people who could affect my business. I know I should go, but it’s a chore. All too often, I end up standing in a corner clinging to the one person I know, feeling guilty that I’m not taking advantage of the situation.
Recently, I attended a business women’s networking breakfast, held in a large warehouse near the waterfront. I marched through the door and collected my name tag to confront a roomful of 1,200 colorfully dressed, high-energy women chattering. Everyone appeared to be having a great time, making connections.
What next? Do I know anyone here? If I stand all alone will people think I’m weird? I feel my chest tighten.
I suspect that many of us struggle at these events, but few admit it. Everyone slaps on a smile and wanders around the room shaking hands, laughing and exchanging business cards. Inside, some of us feel awkward, loitering at the edge of conversations, unsure whether to enter the group or slip away.
That’s me. If you follow my posts, this may surprise you. I’ve built a powerful network and convinced leaders from Google, eBay, Twitter and Facebook to support my start-up, so you might suppose that I’m an expert schmoozer. Truth is, as an introvert, I’ve struggled with networking for years. I’d much rather be home reading a book.
But I recognize the importance of this type of activity, so I stick to it — primarily because a few chance encounters at events have led to relationships that have made all the difference in my business. I have to accept that networking doesn’t come naturally to me, and that’s hard. I’m a perfectionist. I like to be good at things. So I’ve developed techniques to help me form relationships and improve, even enjoy, the networking process. If you, too, struggle with networking, here are a few ideas that may help.
Have short conversations with lots of people. Follow up later.
I find it difficult to form deep connections at events. Instead, I try to have short conversations with as many people as possible, making sure I have their contact information so I can follow up later. If I see someone I want to talk to, I politely dart in and say, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but such and such suggested we meet. I have to run in a minute and just wanted to get your business card so I can follow up later.” It’s quite hard for people to say no to this. And then after the event, I reach out and set up lunch or coffee. That’s an environment in which I’m much more comfortable.
Focus on what you’re good at.
Although I find large informal groups a challenge, I know that I perform well in formal presentation settings or one-on-one conversations. Instead of worrying about my inability to charm at large-group events, I focus my on my more natural ability to engage people one-on-one and to speak publicly. If you can kill it in a one-on-one presentation, that’s all you need to do to build a network.
It’s about forming a few close relationships.
Some people have hundreds or even thousands of people in their network. Other than on social networks where I don’t know most of the people to whom I’m supposedly connected, I’d say my close business network includes about 15 people, but they are special. Every year, I meet between one and three people who are magic. It’s never about what this person can do for me; it’s a realization that I’ve encountered someone I can learn from. Almost all of the good things that have come to me have come from one of these 15 people.
We introverts have different strengths. For example, check out this great TED talk by Susan Cain on “The Power of Introverts.” I spent years thinking that I should be different — louder, funnier, more extroverted. Now I recognize the need to be grateful for the talents that I do have.
http://boss.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/10/15/an-introverts-guide-to-networking/?_php=true&_type=blogs&smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&_r=0
9 Good Signs That You’re In The Right Relationship
It’s not always where you are in life, but who you have by your side that matters.
“How do I know if I’m in the right relationship or not?”
This is one of the most common questions our coaching clients ask us. And after Angel and I listen to the specifics of their situation, we often toss a question back at them to further clarify their thoughts and expectations. For instance:
“What do you think a “right relationship” should provide for the people in it?”
Although the answer here is obviously subjective, in all relationships, romantic and platonic alike, there are some clear signs that things are going well. So today, let’s take a look at some signs you’re in the “right relationship,” and corresponding tips that could potentially help you make a “wrong relationship” right:
1. NO GAMES ARE BEING PLAYED.
Far too often, we make our relationships harder than they have to be. The difficulties started when… conversations became texting, feelings became subliminal, sex became a game, the word “love” fell out of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural, and running away from it all became our solution. Stop running! Face these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and LOVE the people in your life who deserve it.
And of course, if you feel like someone is playing games with you, speak up.
2. EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME PAGE.
If a woman starts out all casual with a man and she doesn’t tell him that she wants a committed relationship, it will likely never become a committed relationship. If you give someone the impression that casual, or whatever, is okay with you, that’s what will be assumed going forward. The bottom line is that you have to be straight from the start, or at least as soon as you know what you want. Don’t beat around the bush. If someone gets scared and runs away because you were honest and set boundaries, that person wasn’t right for you anyway.
3. THE LINE OF COMMUNICATION IS OPEN, HONEST, AND CLEAR.
You can’t be afraid to have certain conversations. It’s better to talk and find out the truth, than to keep going and get nowhere. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t expect the important people in your life to read your mind, and don’t play foolish games with their heads and hearts. Don’t tell half-truths and expect them to trust you when the full truth comes out – half-truths are no better than lies.
Listen without defending and speak without offending. Communication isn’t just an important part of a relationship, it is the relationship. Relationships often fail because of trust issues, commitment issues, and above all, communication issues. So be honest, commit, and COMMUNICATE always. (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Relationships” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
4. LOVING DEEDS CONSISTENTLY REINFORCE LOVING WORDS.
Nurture your important relationships so that when you tell the people you love that you love them, it’s merely a ritualistic validation of what you have already shown them by how you treat them on a daily basis. Do little things every day to show your loved ones you care. Knowing that the person you’re thinking of has you on their mind too means a lot.
Truth be told, you can say “sorry” a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to prove that the things you say are true, they aren’t. If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere. It’s as simple as that. And there’s no such thing as a “right” relationship that isn’t sincere at both ends.
5. EXPECTATIONS OF PERFECTION ARE STRICTLY FORBIDDEN.
Any relationship that’s real will not be perfect, but if you’re willing to work at it and open up, it could be everything you’ve ever dreamed of.
Your best friends and your soul mate may be far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you. Give them a chance to show you. When you stop expectingthe people you love to be a certain way, you can start to enjoy and appreciate them for who they are. What you need to remember is that every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect in the end is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.
6. HONESTY, VULNERABILITY, AND PRESENCE ARE HELD SACRED.
Although it may sound risky, the strongest type of love is the love that makes you the most vulnerable. It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and fully disclosed over the long-term. It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.
So open yourself up. BE with the person you love. Allow yourself to experience them authentically. Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and feel every exquisite emotion, both good and bad. This is real life. This is how you welcome a sincere connection with another human being. (ReadDaring Greatly
.)
.)7. THERE IS A HEALTHY BLEND OF FREEDOM AND TEAMWORK.
Keep in mind that we can’t force anyone to be with us or love us. We shouldn’t beg someone to stay when they want to leave. And likewise, we should never feel trapped in a relationship. In fact, if either person feels trapped, the relationship doesn’t really exist. Because that’s what relationships are all about: freedom.
Relationships are also built on a solid foundation of teamwork. And since relationships are one of the greatest vehicles of personal growth and happiness, the most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting someone else halfway. You will achieve far more by working with them, rather than working alone or against them. It really is a full circle. The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two members, and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.
And remember, relationships are rarely 50/50 at any given instant in time. You can’t always feel 100%, or a full 50% of a relationship’s whole – life is simply too unpredictable for that. So on the days when you can only give 20%, the other person must give 80%, and vice versa. It’s never been about balancing steady in the middle; healthy relationships are about two people who are willing to make adjustments for each other in real time as needed, and give more when the other person can’t help but give a little less.
8. PERSONAL GROWTH IS EMBRACED, CELEBRATED, AND SHARED.
It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in, it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in. When you connect with someone special, a best friend or a lifelong partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself. In this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending time together and nurturing each other’s growth.
When you honestly think about what you and your closest confidants add to each other’s lives, you will often find that instead of giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.), you have chosen rather to share in each other’s joy and pain, and experience life together through good times and bad. No matter what, you two are there for one another, growing and learning as one. (Read The Mastery of Love
.)
.)9. OUTSIDERS AREN’T CALLING THE SHOTS.
Relationships don’t always make sense, especially from the outside. So don’t let outsiders run your relationships for you. If you’re having a relationship issue with someone, work it out with THEM and no one else.
You have to live your own life your own way; that’s all there is to it. Each of us has a unique fire in our heart for certain people. It’s your duty, and yours alone, to decide if a relationship is right for you. You’ve got to stop caring so much about what everyone else wants for you, and start actually living and deciding for yourself.
http://themindunleashed.org/2014/07/9-good-signs-youre-right-relationship.html
30 Quotes To Help You Get Through Tough Times
”I get it now; I didn’t get it then. That life is about losing and about doing it as gracefully as possible… and enjoying everything in between.” – Mia Farrow
“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.” – Asha Tyson
“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.” – Asha Tyson
5 HABITS OF PEOPLE WHO ALWAYS GET WHAT THEY WANT
THE FINE ART OF THE COUNTER-OFFER: DO YOUR HOMEWORK, HAVE A REAL CONVERSATION, AND ARRIVE WITH CONFIDENCE.
You’ve been offered a job but the salary wasn’t the number you were hoping to hear. Or you’ve received a bid on a project and it’s under what you think it’s worth. Instead of accepting the deal in disappointment or firing back with another amount, sports agent Molly Fletcher says it’s time to start a conversation.
“There’s room for negotiation on most prices,” says Fletcher, author of A Winner’s Guide to Negotiating: How Conversation Gets Deals Done. “Certain things, like school tuition, for example, might have fees that are set in stone, but for many things, like salaries or even orthodontics, the value can be more vague.”
Unfortunately, most of the world doesn’t ask for what it wants. A recent survey by Salary.com found that just 44% of people negotiate for a better salary.
And companies are happy when you don’t negotiate, says Fletcher: “Few offer their best price out of the gate,” she says.
So how do you get what you want at a price that makes you happy? Fletcher says good negotiators have an ability to do five things well when striking a deal:
1. THEY SET THE STAGE
Doing your homework and understanding the market is half the battle, says Fletcher. This means knowing what you want, understanding the comparables in your industry, and considering the intangibles in every deal, such as reimbursed expenses, vacation time, and the amount of time it takes for a promotion or raise.
“Good negotiators also develop a ‘360-degree awareness,’ knowing the goals, needs, gaps, values, and fears of the other side,” says Fletcher. “This data will be even more valuable as your strategy unfolds throughout the negotiation,” she says.
2. THEY FIND COMMON GROUND
Too often people approach negotiations with their cards held close to their chest, not wanting to reveal too much too soon. But coming to the table wearing a shield can stunt negotiations, says Fletcher. Instead, she suggests people spend time finding common ground.
For example, while negotiating a deal with then Atlanta Braves General Manager John Schuerholz, Fletcher noticed he had a screen saver on his computer of famous golf holes. She recognized hole number 12 at Augusta National, and asked Schuerholz if he had ever played Augusta and what he got on number 12.
“We went into a 20-minute conversation about golf,” says Fletcher. “This let us take down our guards and be people. When you talk, connect, and communicate, both sides create a better platform for a discussion; the ability to truly connect is an integral part of success.”
3. THEY ASK WITH CONFIDENCE
After you receive an offer, begin the counter process by asking questions, but be sure to do so in a kind tone. For example, “Can you tell me how you got to that number?” “What are you paying other people in this position?” “Is there room to move the needle?” “Why do you feel that number is fair?”
When you ask questions, you get data that helps you position your case, says Fletcher. The more data you have about their perspective, the more power you have to continue the conversation.
“The questions you ask should help you understand why they’re at the number they’re at,” says Fletcher, who recommends doing the negotiation process in person. “The answers make it easier to gauge their position according to their tone, timing, and energy.”
letcher cautions against immediately countering an offer: “If they offer you X, don’t go back and say, ‘Thank you, but I need Y.’ Why cap it at Y? What if there is more available?”
4. THEY EMBRACE THE PAUSE
In the world of negotiations, silence is golden in more ways than one. After you ask a question, Fletcher says to stop talking.
“Negotiating is like a big medicine ball,” she says. “You throw the medicine ball--the big question--back at them and you need to stop. They can’t do anything with it but hold it.”
Fletcher says most people can’t stand silence and will try to fill it, but the willingness to sit in silence sends the message that you’re confident with what you have to offer. Use the power of the pause when asking and answering questions.
5. THEY KNOW WHEN TO LEAVE
A simple mistake negotiators make is forgetting that walking away is an option, says Fletcher, but when you’re clear on what you want, the decision to walk or stay becomes easier.
“You can still leave open the option of returning to the table,” says Fletcher. “The space and time created by walking away can foster greater creativity in problem solving.”
http://www.fastcompany.com/3037251/how-to-be-a-success-at-everything/5-habits-of-people-who-always-get-what-they-want?utm_source=facebook
6 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal
There’s no class in high school on how to not be a shitty boyfriend or girlfriend. Sure, they teach us the biology of sex, the legality of marriage, and maybe read a few obscure love stories from the 19th century on how not to be.
But when it comes down to actually handling the nitty-gritty of relationships, we’re given no pointers… or worse, we’re given advice columns in women’s magazines.
Yes, it’s trial-and-error from the get-go. And if you’re like most people, it’s been mostly error.
But part of the problem is that many unhealthy relationship habits are baked into our culture. We worship romantic love — you know, that dizzying and irrational romantic love that somehow finds breaking china plates on the wall in a fit of tears somewhat endearing — and scoff at practicality or unconventional sexualities. Men and women are raised to objectify each other and to objectify the relationships they’re in. Thus our partners are often seen as assets rather than someone to share mutual emotional support.
A lot of the self-help literature out there isn’t helpful either (no, men and women are not from different planets, you over-generalizing prick). And for most of us, mom and dad surely weren’t the best examples either.
Fortunately, there’s been a lot of psychological research into healthy and happy relationships the past few decades and there are some general principles that keep popping up consistently that most people are unaware of or don’t follow. In fact, some of these principles actually go against what is traditionally considered “romantic” or normal in a relationship.
Below are six of the most common tendencies in relationships that many couples think are healthy and normal, but are actually toxic and destroying everything you hold dear. Get the tissues ready.
1. The Relationship Scorecard
What It Is: The “keeping score” phenomenon is when someone you’re dating continues to blame you for past mistakes you made in the relationship. If both people in the relationship do this it devolves into what I call “the relationship scorecard,” where it becomes a battle to see who has screwed up the most over the months or years, and therefore who owes the other one more.
You were an asshole at Cynthia’s 28th birthday party back in 2010 and it has proceeded to ruin your life ever since. Why? Because there’s not a week that goes by that you’re not reminded of it. But that’s OK, because that time you caught her sending flirtatious text messages to her co-worker immediately removes her right to get jealous, so it’s kind of even, right?
Wrong.
Why It’s Toxic: The relationship scorecard develops over time because one or both people in a relationship use past wrongdoings in order to try and justify current righteousness. This is a double-whammy of suckage. Not only are you deflecting the current issue itself, but you’re ginning up guilt and bitterness from the past to manipulate your partner into feeling wrong in the present.
If this goes on long enough, both partners eventually spend most of their energy trying to prove that they’re less culpable than the other rather than solving the current problem. People spend all of their time trying to be less wrong for each other instead of being more right for each other.
What You Should Do Instead: Deal with issues individually unless they are legitimately connected. If someone habitually cheats, then that’s obviously a recurring problem. But the fact that she embarrassed you in 2010 and now she got sad and ignored you today in 2013 have nothing to do with each other, so don’t bring it up.
You must recognize that by choosing to be with your significant other, you are choosing to be with all of their prior actions and behaviors. If you don’t accept those, then ultimately, you are not accepting them. If something bothered you that much a year ago, you should have dealt with it a year ago.
2. Dropping “Hints” and Other Passive-Aggression
What It Is: Instead of stating a desire or thought overtly, your partner tries to nudge you in the right direction of figuring it out yourself. Instead of saying what’s actually upsetting you, you find small and petty ways to piss your partner off so you’ll then feel justified in complaining to them.
Why It’s Toxic: Because it shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. A person has no reason to be passive-aggressive if they feel safe expressing any anger or insecurity within the relationship. A person will never feel a need to drop “hints” if they feel like they won’t be judged or criticized for it.
What You Should Do Instead: State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support. If they love you, they’ll almost always be able to give it.
3. Holding the Relationship Hostage
What It Is: When one person has a simple criticism or complaint and blackmails the other person by threatening the commitment of the relationship as a whole. For instance, if someone feels like you’ve been cold to them, instead of saying, “I feel like you’re being cold sometimes,” they will say, “I can’t date someone who is cold to me all of the time.”
Why It’s Toxic: It’s emotional blackmail and it creates tons of unnecessary drama. Every minor hiccup in the flow of the relationship results in a perceived commitment crisis. It’s crucial for both people in a relationship to know that negative thoughts and feelings can be communicated safely to one another without it threatening the relationship itself. Otherwise people will suppress their true thoughts and feelings which leads to an environment of distrust and manipulation.
What You Should Do Instead: It’s fine to get upset at your partner or to not like something about them. That’s called being a normal human being. But understand that committing to a person and always liking a person are not the same thing. One can be committed to someone and not like everything about them. One can be eternally devoted to someone yet actually be annoyed or angered by their partner at times. On the contrary, two partners who are capable of communicating feedback and criticism towards one another only without judgment or blackmail will strengthen their commitment to one another in the long-run.
4. Blaming Your Partner For Your Own Emotions
What It Is: Let’s say you’re having a crappy day and your partner isn’t exactly being super sympathetic or supportive at the moment. They’ve been on the phone all day with some people from work. They got distracted when you hugged them. You want to lay around at home together and just watch a movie tonight, but they have plans to go out and see their friends.
So you lash out at them for being so insensitive and callous toward you. You’ve been having a shitty day and they have done nothing about it. Sure, you never asked, but they should just know to make you feel better. They should have gotten off the phone and ditched their plans based on your lousy emotional state.
Why It’s Toxic: Blaming our partners for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness, and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. When you set a precedent that your partner is responsible for how you feel at all times (and vice-versa), then will develop codependent tendencies. Suddenly, they’re not allowed to plan activities without checking with you first. All activities at home — even the mundane such as reading books or watching TV — must be negotiated and compromised. When someone begins to get upset, all personal desires go out the window because it is now your responsibility to make one another feel better.
The biggest problem of developing these codependent tendencies is that they breed resentment. Sure, if my girlfriend gets mad at me once because she’s had a shitty day and is frustrated and needs attention, that’s understandable. But if it becomes an expectation that my life revolves around her emotional well-being at all times, then I’m soon going to become very bitter and even manipulative towards her feelings and desires.
What You Should Do Instead: Take responsibility for your own emotions and expect your partner to be responsible for theirs. There’s a subtle yet important difference between being supportive of your partner and being obligated to your partner. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous choice and not seen as an expectation. As soon as both people in a relationship become culpable for each other’s moods and downswings, it gives them both incentives to hide their true feelings and manipulate one another.
5. Displays of “Loving” Jealousy
What It Is: Getting pissed off when your partner talks, flirts, touches, calls, texts, hangs out, or sneezes in the general vicinity of another person and then you proceed to take that anger out on your partner and attempt to control their behavior. This often leads to insano behaviors such as hacking into your partner’s email account, looking through their text messages while they’re in the shower or even following them around town and showing up unannounced when they’re not expecting you.
Why It’s Toxic: It surprises me that some people describe this as some sort of display of affection. They figure that if their partner wasn’t jealous then that would somehow mean that they weren’t loved by them.
This is absolutely clownshit crazy to me. It’s controlling and manipulative. It creates unnecessary drama and fighting. It transmits a message of a lack of trust in the other person. And to be honest, it’s demeaning. If my girlfriend cannot trust me to be around other attractive women by myself, then it implies that she believes that I’m either a) a liar, or b) incapable of controlling my impulses. In either case, that’s a woman I do not want to be dating.
What You Should Do Instead: Trust your partner. It’s a radical idea, I know. Some jealousy is natural. But excessive jealousy and controlling behaviors towards your partner are signs of your own feelings of unworthiness and you should learn to deal with them and not force them onto those close to you. Because otherwise you are only going to eventually push that person away.
6. Buying the Solutions to Relationship Problems
What It Is: Any time a major conflict or issue comes up in the relationship, instead of solving it, one covers it up with the excitement and good feelings that come with buying something nice or going on a trip somewhere.
My parents were experts at this one. And it got them real far: a big fat divorce and 15 years of hardly speaking to each other since. They have both since independently told me that this was the primary problem in their marriage: continuously covering up their real issues with superficial pleasures.
Why It’s Toxic: Not only does it brush the real problem under the rug (where it will always re-emerge from even worse the next time), but it sets an unhealthy precedent within the relationship. This is not a gender-specific problem, but I will use the traditional gendered situation as an example. Let’s imagine that whenever a woman gets angry at her boyfriend/husband, the man “solves” the issue by buying the woman something nice, or taking her to a nice restaurant or something. Not only does this give the woman unconscious incentive to find more reasons to be upset with the man, but it also gives the man absolutely no incentive to actually be accountable for the problems in the relationship. So what do you end up with? A checked-out husband who feels like an ATM, and an incessantly bitter woman who feels unheard.
What You Should Do Instead: Actually, you know, deal with the problem. Trust was broken? Talk about what it will take to rebuild it. Someone feels ignored or unappreciated? Talk about ways to restore those feelings of appreciation. Communicate!
There’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for a significant other after a fight to show solidarity and to reaffirm commitment. But one should never use gifts or fancy things to replace dealing with the underlying emotional issues. Gifts and trips are called luxuries for a reason, you only get to appreciate them when everything else is already good. If you use them to cover up your problems, then you will find yourself with a much bigger problem down the line.
http://thoughtcatalog.com/mark-manson/2013/10/6-toxic-relationship-habits-most-people-think-are-normal/
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