The 50 Things You Need To Do For A Relationship To Last

Relationships are tough. Marriage is a tough bitch. And it’s certainly not for everyone. As a lawyer, I have handled a few divorces. Thank goodness there is such an alternative for people trapped in horrible circumstances. But if you’re inclined to weather sickness and health, richer and poorer — and even if you’ve just met the person with whom you want to be in a longterm romance — bring a short memory and a long sense of humor. You’re gonna need it.

1. Burn your blueprint.

Rid yourself of whatever fantasies you harbor about the bliss of coupled life. They’re not helping. There is no script, so don’t be disappointed when your fairytale gets hijacked.

2. Forgive.

Didn’t Jesus say something about forgiving someone not just seven times but seventy times seven? That would be 490 times….which should last you through your first 6 months. Jesus underestimated because, remember, he wasn’t married.

3. And forget.

If you forgive but don’t forget, did you really forgive? I know people who claim to have forgiven but still use every available opportunity to bring it up. And if you don’t want to forgive, forgetting works just as well.

4. Be a good teammate.

Life can come at you hard. One of the nice things about marriage and relationships is being able to have someone else in the bunker when you’re getting shelled.

5. Grow.

If you still have the same desires, opinions and beliefs at age 50 that you did at age 25, that’s your own damn fault. You will not, and should not, be the same person you were then.

6. And adapt.

Even if you stagnate, the person you’re in a relationship with will change. Don’t fight it. Embrace it, learn from it, be thankful for it.

7. Find your faith.

There is great comfort in believing in something or someone beyond our crude human existence. Explore this belief. Take this journey together.

8. Travel together.

Travel forces couples to rely on one another in unpredictable ways. It will also broaden your worldview and the way you value your relationship.

9. Travel separately.

I want to go to Australia and you want to go to Maine? Cool. Take lots of pictures. See you in a week.

10. Develop your own interests.

It seems counter-intuitive, but you will enhance your relationship when you pursue your separate interests.

11. Cultivate a wide, diverse circle of friends.

One of the greatest joys of living is meeting new people. And many of the people you meet will likely make you appreciate your mate even more.

12. Don’t keep score.

I know a couple who keeps track of the number of times each partner completes a household chore. Don’t do this. It’s exhausting. And childish.

13. Exercise.

You owe it to each other to be in the best physical health possible. The mental side effects from exercise will also be beneficial.

14. Practice self-awareness.

Take frequent looks in the mirror. Reflect on who you are and the contributions you are making to your relationship. Are you being judgmental? Unfair? Harsh? Hypercritical? Defensive?

15. Admit that you’re wrong (even, on occasion, when you aren’t).

This is both the easiest and hardest thing to do on this list. But this simple gesture will pay immeasurable dividends; it will help you grow and it’s just the right thing to do.

16. Celebrate accomplishments big and small.

Whether it’s a promotion at work or the police officer let you off with just a warning, find every occasion possible to toast your good fortune.

17. Surprise one another.

Fill up her car. Let him sleep alone in the bed once in a while. Buy some bacon.

18. It’s the good little things.

Holding the door, suggesting a movie night, paying attention. The reward for these is greater than the sum of the parts.

19. And it’s the bad little things.

Cracking your knuckles, spitting, clearing your throat, picking your nose, chewing ice. These are death by a thousand cuts to your relationship.

20. Cultivate your finer qualities.

When do you ever have an opportunity to really work on qualities that make you a better person? In a strong relationship, you can do it every single day. Qualities like patience, loyalty, compassion, trust.

21. The bathroom is private.

If you think it’s quaint to brush your teeth while I use the toilet, you’ll change your mind about that eventually. Trust me.

22. Talk about sex (but not just right before, during, or right after).

Sex is an important part of any relationship. But for some reason couples don’t want to discuss it unless they are in the throes of passion. Don’t make sex a taboo subject.

23. Encourage each other.

We all have insecurities. Your relationship is one place where you should be completely free to reveal these and your spouse should help you overcome them.

24. It’s okay to have secrets.

Even George Bailey slipped Violet Bick a $20 bill every now and then.

25. Avoid subtext.

This is a cowardly way to communicate. If you have something to say, say it. Don’t hint about it.

26. Put it down.

The toilet seat. Her cell phone. The beat.

27. Pick it up.

Your dirty sock. Your used tissue. The pace.

28. Don’t over-romanticize past (or future) relationships.

You weren’t that great and your ex isn’t that hot.

29. Never use the “s” word.

Don’t call each other “stupid.” That’s just stu…. not wise.

30. Offer solutions, not criticism.

Anyone can criticize. A good teammate (See Rule 4) will offer a way out.

31. Read.

To escape or to expand. Either way, it helps.

32. You are equals.

It doesn’t matter which one of you makes the most money. It doesn’t matter which one of you has the better REO Speedwagon vinyl collection. It doesn’t matter which one of you has the best nickname. It doesn’t even matter which one of you has the coolest food allergy.

33. Compliment each other.

Sincerely and often.

34. Respect each other’s friends.

You know your wife’s loud mouthed, insane friend Cathy who thinks you have weak bullshit and can’t believe you married her BFF? See below.

35. Know when to keep your mouth shut.

No list would be complete without the “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” lesson.

36. Indulge each other’s passions.

Scrapbooking doesn’t count.

37. Lose your arbitrary moral code.

This list alone proves that I am the king of the double standard. When I want to spend money on a new set of golf clubs, it’s a good investment. When my wife wants to spend money on new kitchen countertops, she’s a profligate. It’s not exactly fair.

38. Respect space and time.

Have we not evolved as a species or watched enough Dr. Phil to realize our mate does not want to answer the question “How was your day?” the minute he/she walks in the door?

39. Take pride in your appearance.

Your marriage license doesn’t give you a free pass to always wear sweat pants and T-shirts.

40. Maintain good hygiene.

Could your big toenail puncture a snow tire? Could your breath peel wallpaper? Take care of that, please. I don’t want to have to tell you again.

41. Ask before you throw it away.

Don’t touch that broken, ceramic, animated cactus tequila shot glass holder. I’m serious.

42. Invite his/her family to special gatherings.

At least once. Thankfully, this may be all you need.

43. Speaking of family, everyone gets a holiday card and a birth announcement.

Even your creepy Uncle Steve and their psycho cousin Lisa.

44. Don’t be petty.

So I forgot to stop at the store to get your prescription. Did you have to throw away my ceramic cactus shot glass holder?

45. Be self-sufficient.

Learn to do your own laundry. Know how to cook a meal; how to navigate the grocery store; how to make an online purchase; how to turn off the water to the house; how to erect a Nerf basketball hoop; how to unclog a toilet.

46. Everything is fair game for a joke.

This should be at the heart of everything you do. I have not found a single thing that I have been unable to eventually laugh about. If you know this from the beginning, it makes things a lot more fun.

47. Have good manners.

Don’t yell. Open the door. Help carry the groceries. Cover your cough. Hold your gas.

48. Be responsible with money.

No one lives on love. You need money. If you earned it, you will almost certainly respect it. If you didn’t earn it, you must respect it even more.

49. Remember to say thank you.

Even and especially when things don’t seem like they need to be acknowledged.

50. Adapting beats abandoning.

There will be moments when you want to quit, walk out, give up. You can do that. But you will probably be doing so without giving due consideration to the new life that awaits you. Will you be better off in six months? 10 years?

http://thoughtcatalog.com/tim-hoch/2014/01/the-50-things-you-need-to-do-for-a-relationship-to-last/

love from a distance

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention. Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know, or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.”
~Unknown

12 Moments In Your Relationship That Make You Realize The Power Of Love

1. That moment when you have a make or break kind of fight and, instead of breaking, the relationship strengthens and things change and you both change in ways you never thought possible. And, all of a sudden, you’re standing in the middle of the relationship you’d always hoped it would be, all because you took the risk to stay instead of the easy answer to leave.

2. That moment you say the thing that’s on your heart that you have been crazy afraid to say and they just look at you in the most heartbreakingly beautiful way, like, “why was this a big deal to tell me?”

3. That moment you’re so ill that you can hardly move and, just by virtue of being close to them, you feel yourself getting better. And they run out to get you your favorite soup and they kiss you even though you’re contagious and you feel like you might cry from the tenderness in which they’re treating you.

4. That moment when you come out of a particularly difficult season of your life and they are still there loving you even when you acted terribly and took out your frustration on them. But the fact that they are still there, loving you completely, is a miracle in of itself and it guts you because it’s so much love, maybe more love than you could give.

5. That moment when they do something so intimate that proves how well they know you and you think, oh my god, they know me. They really know me. This is real. This is something. They’re not messing around with my heart; they’re learning me and, not only accepting my quirks, but actually, full on, loving them. 

6. That moment when you both get on the exact same page about your future and you both want the same things in the same timeline and you’re compromising and working together and everything on the landscape of your future feels possible and exciting.

7. That moment when you do something wildly embarrassing and you think they’re going to tease you, but they just look at you with this intense love in their eyes and you realize this goes beyond that puppy love, but this is deeper than you expected and you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

8. That moment when you see how much you’ve been transformed by their love and that untangling who you are from who they are is nearly impossible and that’s frightening to a degree, you realize it’s also rare to feel this way. And, you see, clear as day, how much this love has impacted your life and the power of it blows you away in many ways.

9. That moment when you realize that a significant period of time has passed since you’ve been doubtful about their love or doubtful about how they feel about you and the absence of that feeling is so powerful that it takes a moment for you to realize that they’ve helped you understand how deep love goes and that alone is one of the most precious gifts they could give you.

10. That moment when you are radically open and leave nothing on your heart and bleed out onto this person and they accept you so fully and so completely that you realize that love is the only thing that could do this, that could accept in this way, that could support in this way, and it’s so precious that you don’t exactly know why you were given this person, but you’re just going to accept them completely and fully, too, without worrying about why they picked you, but just being pretty damn happy that they did.

11. That moment when you humble yourself and admit to an egregious mistake and, while it would be completely within normal standards for them to be angry with you, they do something entirely different and they hug you and forgive you and it’s so out of the ordinary that it knocks you over in a way and you wonder, how did this happen, how are we here, this is amazing.

12. That moment when you realize this is the first person you’ve truly been yourself with. That they bring out the best in you, the most vulnerable version of yourself. And, while you’re terrified of what that means, the desire to love them outweighs the fear of not loving them. And, you understand what love means, for the first time in your life, you really do. You see love and how transformative it is. How it lifts people up. How it makes people better versions of themselves. And you see, first hand, in your own experience, that the power of love is stronger than anything else that exists.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-varon/2014/09/12-moments-in-your-relationship-that-make-you-realize-the-power-of-love/

Why Love Is Worth The Risk

When you’ve had your heart tampered with so many times before, it’s hard to believe someone’s intentions are good when they tell you pretty words and do nice things for you and ask for your heart in return. For some reason, it just gets hard to believe that this person might actually stick around when a parade full of others have seen their way out the door.

No matter if it’s different people over the course of the time who each had their own way of hurting you, or one person who broke your entire heart in whole, effortlessly. In either case, your heart was still broken, and with that, the innocence of your young heart was stripped away at the moment that your heart was briefly stolen. When something like that happens, you become conditioned to think it will happen again. It’s hard to let someone in when you’ve got chains wrapped so tightly around your heart.

But here’s the thing, love doesn’t come around very often. Love comes around once in a blue moon.

My advice to you is if there’s someone who’s offering their love to you and who makes your heart happy, maybe it’s worth the risk of trusting it for once. Allowing yourself to love again is an uphill battle and a constant question of bravery, but if you never let your walls down then you’ll just never know. Here’s the shocking line that not all of us take time to realize; love doesn’t always have to leave you hurting. Beautiful things can happen if you allow them to.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/allison-glatsky/2014/06/why-love-is-worth-the-risk/

49 Life Skills Every Modern Woman Should Have

This isn't the same world that our mothers and grandmothers grew up in, and although some things never go out of style (like good manners), a lot has drastically changed in the last half century.

So, here are 49 life skills every modern woman -- at least if she's between the age of, say, 22-66 -- should embrace in the year 2014.

1. Make at least one great cocktail. I make a mean Pomegranate Margarita, andhere's how I do it.

2. Drink without getting a hangover the next morning. Tip: Line your stomach with bread, drink one glass of water for every glass of alcohol, and don't drink more than three glasses of red wine.

3. Look good in a photo. Tip: Turn your head slightly to one side rather than look the camera head-on; stand (or sit) straight with your shoulders back; arch your back ever so slightly; don't press your arms against your body; unless you have a prominent chin, stick it out just a little to accentuate your jawline.

4. Remove unwanted body hair the most effective, painless, and affordable way possible.

5. Dump someone gracefully. Tip: Do it in person, if possible; get to the point quickly, choose a time when the other person isn't expected somewhere any time soon (like work... or a wedding); give a reasonable explanation; answer whatever questions he or she may ask.

6. Write a sincere thank-you note. Here's a great how-to.

7. Set a lovely table, no matter how casual the meal is. Here are tips for setting a pretty table for a variety of occasions.

8. Open a bottle of champagne. Like this.

9. Find someone's bridal/wedding/baby shower registry online. Tip: go to WeddingChannel.com and type in honoree's name. You'll find registries for a variety of stores. Do a "find a registry" search on Amazon, too.

10. Send a BCC group email.

11. Dress for her body type.

12. Graciously offer assistance to someone in need.

13. Book a vacation.

14. Hide a bad hair day.

15. Find the best deal. Tip: For big ticket items, always, always, always compare prices online. Then, do a "coupon" search and see if you can find a coupon code to save you even more money.

16. Write a kickass cover letter.

17. Hold a baby.

18. Wrap a gift anyone would be excited to open. Here's a great how-to.

19. Start a conversation. Tip: ask people questions about themselves, like where they grew up, how they met their significant other, or how they know the host.

20. End a conversation. Tip: If you're at a party, excuse yourself to the bathroom, pretend like you just saw someone you need to say hi to, or excuse yourself to call the babysitter. Saying you're going to get a refill doesn't work as well because the person could follow you or ask you get him or her a refill, too.

21. Pack everything she needs for a weekend getaway in one small bag.

22. Ask someone out. Tip: Don't use ambiguous language like "hang out." Have a specific activity and/or place in mind, even if it's just coffee.

23. Invest her money.

24. Use Mapquest, Googlemaps, or some other 21st century version of direction-giving.

25. Pack her purse with essentials: cash, ID, keys, phone, breath mints, chapstick or lipgloss, and a book, newspaper, or crossword puzzle to keep her occupied during a long wait or when she's trying to avoid someone on the train.

26. Prepare, order, or pay for a tasty and healthful dinner for herself and at least one guest. Here's a recipe for one of the world's easiest, healthiest -- and tastiest -- meals (pay special attention to #6).

27. Edit, upload, and print photos.

28. Perform the Heimlich and CPR.

29. Choose a ripe fruit. Here you go.

30. Cook and carve a turkey (or tofurky, if you must).

31. Google her date.

32. Negotiate a salary and/or pay raise. Lean in, y'all.

33. Bite her tongue when it's appropriate to.

34. Get a passport.

35. Reserve a library book online.

36. Leave (or find) Yelp reviews.

37. Find the right bra.

38. Welcome a new neighbor or coworker. Tip: Make a point to introduce yourself and give one piece of friendly advice, like where the best place is to grab lunch.

39. Get herself (and her partner) off.

40. Assemble furniture.

41. Figure out what to tip on a $27 bill.

42. Look for a way out (of a relationship, a job, or a crowded music fest full of hipsters).

43. Find a reputable repair person.

44. Give a sincere (or, at least sincere-sounding) apology.

45. When and how to say "no" firmly (but graciously when appropriate).

46. Dry out her wet cell phone. Tip: turn it off and let it sit in a bowl or bag of rice overnight).

47. Change a tire (or find someone who can do it for her).

48. Give herself a breast exam. Like this!

49. Ask for help when she needs it.

15 Things To Start Doing For Yourself

Not long ago we published an article called 15 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself. The article was all about outlining the tendencies many of us have that can make life more complicated and difficult. Things we do to ourselves that we have full control over. That article inspired this new one that will focus on things we can begin doing right now that will make our lives more joyous and peace filled.

Start Spending Time With The “Right” People – Spend time with people you enjoy -who bring you up instead of push you down. Sure there are always lessons we can learn from others but you don’t need to continue hanging around with and associating with people who you know bring in an offsetting vibe. Learn what you need to from them about yourself and move on. I have found that the longer I let things linger with people simply because I feel I’m supposed to never let them bother me, the worse a situation gets as I’m not taking care of myself. You can’t change others, so focus on you and spend time with those who resonate with you the most.

Start Loving & Being Nicer To Yourself – Think about how you speak to yourself sometimes – how does it sound? What do you say? Unless you are already great at self talk and have a solid connection to the love that you are, it’s likely you say some nasty things to yourself. Whether it be about your appearance, performance on something or your ability to do something you want to do, it’s easy for us to tear ourselves down. Now imagine someone else was saying all those things to you instead. Would it be nice of that person? Of course not. So why do we choose to not be nice to ourselves? Learning to love ourselves and cut out the nasty talk is so important. Be sure to be aware of what you are saying to yourself. >

Start Being Fully Honest With Yourself  – Being fully honest with yourself is so important as we can get caught up in convincing ourselves that various things don’t bother us or aren’t a challenge for us. We even be guilty to avoid admitting certain characteristics about the current version of ourselves. Honesty is needed in every aspect of our lives whether it’s with other people, ourselves, our work and so on. The more honest we are, the more we can grow from our experiences and keep things simple. You learn a lot about yourself when you are honest.

Start Facing Your Challenges Head On – We always want our problems or challenges to just go away. But most of the time it isn’t quite that simple. We need to take some sort of action steps. Choose to do something about the challenges you face as opposed to letting them linger and simply complaining about them. We have the choice and control, it’s time to embrace that power. If it helps, choose one problem or challenge you face right now, and write out some things you can do to get it moving forward.

Start Listening To Your Own Inner Voice – Whether you want to call it your inner voice, your heart, gut feelings, intuition, soul, higher self, higher perspective or any other name you give to the real YOU that is beyond your mind, listening to that voice a little more often makes a big difference in your life. It’s YOU! It’s there to guide you, show you your passions and what paths make the most sense for you at any given moment. The more you listen to it means the less you listen to the mind which can often over analyze or bring emotional patterns into your decisions. Listening to your inner voice is following your heart.

Start Living In The NOW – This was one of the most powerful things for me to implement in my life. I’m not saying I’m always in the now as certainly I get stuck thinking about the past or future in ways that cause suffering, but using this tool as much as possible is huge. Everything you have or are is all happening right now and you only have the now. Even in a future moment it is still the now. When you pay attention to what is happening now you give your whole self to what you are doing and that brings much peace and joy. The past or future can be used as a reference to make adjustments in the now, but avoid fretting or worrying about either. The dwelling will only cause suffering. There is much beauty happening now that you won’t want to miss.

Start Valuing What Your “Mistakes” Teach You – I don’t believe there are mistakes in life. Simply, we make choices and they play out experiences. Deep down we have an understanding of what is right and wrong and we live by that. When it comes to smaller choices where we make decisions and they end up in less favorable outcomes, there is a lot to learn from them. Taking risks sometimes results in a stumble or a fall, but this will teach you so much about yourself and the journey you make through each experience. We focus so much on the end goal and how it came to be defined rather than all we learned along the way. There are no mistakes. Value what you learn from every journey.

Start Being Yourself Completely – You are an awesome unique individual, no matter what anyone says. Embracing that is often so difficult because we have social pressures as well as ideas of ourselves (often based on social pressures) that get in the way of us being real. Deep down we all know who we are, what we love and how we want to be, it’s just a matter of getting used to being that when we have gotten used to putting something else “on” for so long. It can be scary for sure, we are putting ourselves out there and if people don’t accept us it can hurt. But the truth is, you will be amazed at how much people love you and are appreciative of what you resonate when you are truly being yourself. People can feel when others aren’t embracing their true selves and this is what usually creates interesting experiences.

Start Enjoying & Appreciating What You Already Have – Sometimes we get caught up in chasing things like money and other material possessions. While these things are not bad to experience or have, it’s important not to get stuck in the idea that “I will be happy once I get these things.” Too often we are waiting around for the “best” situation to play out for us, all the while missing out on the experiences that are right in front of us. Where we have food, shelter, friends, family and life. We also can get caught up in comparing ourselves to others and what they have. Before you go to bed, mid day or even when you wake up, remember all that you have and this will help to keep you out of the chase for more. After all, when you finally get the things you desire, won’t the mind just look for more if we let it?

Start Being Accountable & Creating Your Own Joy – When we look outside ourselves to create joy or peace in our lives we basically give up our own power in doing so. The truth is, you already have all it takes to feel great in your life and sometimes it’s about taking the action to make that the case. In our culture most of the time we assume that happiness will come from others and from things and when we get everything in line we will be OK -Let’s break this habit and start by finding the power inside each of us to begin creating joy now.

Start Helping People Around You – Regardless of what society may suggest is the case, we are all in this together and connected to one another. Caring about people and assisting them in their own journey, in whatever form that comes in, is a great way to connect with others and use your unique skills. On top of that you create a sharing relationship with those people so that exchanges can continue down the road. You aren’t doing it to get something in return, but rather to extend love outwards only to see it come back in whatever form it does.

Start Accepting Things Even If They Aren’t Perfect – Really, what is perfect? Sometimes we have a tough time accepting things when they aren’t perfect, but perfection is simply an idea your mind created. We can get caught up in things in our world not appearing exactly as we wish to see them, but much of it is us learning to be at peace with how things unfold. We can only take actions on things we have control over. This isn’t to say you need to settle for everything, but rather, don’t obsess over the small details and instead be at peace with where things are at in this moment.

Start Paying Attention to How You Feel About Things – Often times we might feel a particular way about something but we don’t take it seriously or voice it because we don’t understand it or don’t want to share it with others. How you feel deep down about something is important and we should certainly value that. Social pressures don’t outweigh how you feel inside about something so feel free to understand that feeling and own it versus burying it. Often we can hide these feelings inside only to later realize many others felt the same about something but didn’t say anything because they were all afraid as well. Your voice and heart can impact others. Don’t be afraid to speak.

Start Focusing On The Possibilities Of Things vs Them Not Working Out – Have you ever heard the idea that if you believe it, it will happen? Now of course this isn’t quite the full story, but believing in possibility has a big impact on not only your own effort and motivation around something but also how others will perceive it. If you want to do something in your life, believe you can do it and avoid thinking negatively about the outcome. “This would never happen to me.” Or “Good things never happen to me.” This type of self talk and lack of believing in self can quickly kill what you are trying to achieve in life. Focus on what you want to happen and how you want to go about it. Focusing on the “negative” won’t do much but make the whole situation feel “negative.”

http://www.collective-evolution.com/2014/07/18/15-things-to-start-doing-for-yourself/

Keep Grinding: 8 Thoughts You Need To Stop Having To Stay Motivated

It’s easy to be addicted to motivational crack: the pictures, quotes, videos and books that all promise to help us make the change in our lives we’re all dying to make.

I read these things constantly, soak them in, get my motivational high … and then I crash.

I found the way for me to stay consistently motivated is to remove the things in my life that are choking my motivation. The truth is, you already have motivation; it’s just covered up by a thick layer of parasitic ideas and habits.

Every time I find myself not wanting to do anything and just check out of life (like this morning), I go through this checklist and unleash my motivation:

1. Ingratitude

People say it all the time: “Be grateful!”

Of course, it sounds nice, but the fact of the matter is life is relative; I’m not close enough to starving to appreciate that I have food to eat. However, I fasted for 43 hours last week, and that definitely made me grateful to finally eat.

Other kinds of deprivation can force you to be grateful, like cold showers, dry spells, breakups and severe loss. Nothing makes me grateful for being able to breathe more than an asthma attack.

When you aren’t grateful, you are only focusing on what isn’t there and why you can’t have it. Gratitude shocks you back into respecting your life, instead of complaining you don’t have a different life.

The Antidotes: Write a list of things you’re grateful for, force yourself to feel grateful for a simple thing (your vision, your ability to breathe, a tree…), deprive yourself of something you love for a week, say thank you to someone or write a thank you note.

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2. Envy

When I’m envious, I’m paralyzed. I can’t focus on doing my best work if I wish I could be doing that other person’s work. I can’t love my girlfriend if I wish I had some other guy’s girlfriend.

Most importantly, I can’t find out who I am if I’m wishing I was somebody else.

Envy blinds us to the opportunities in our own life. It comes from believing that what isn’t in our life is more important that what is. How are you supposed to stay motivated when all your energy is being spent worrying about what others have?

The Antidotes: Realize that envy is separate from the subject being envied. Notice your reactions to the successes of others. Get off of Facebook, put your head down and work.

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3. Impatience

Mark Zuckerberg became a billionaire in his early 20s, and now we all think we have to be billionaires in our early 20s. It’s a good story, but it’s just not accurate for most of our realities. Most of us have to build over a lifetime.

When I get impatient with my own progress (life, projects, fitness, etc.), I end up quitting. I’m not reaching my goal fast enough, so why should I keep going?

When I stay patient, I do the work that makes progress happen fast.

The Antidotes: Create a plan and measure progress. Stop obsessing over the end-goal and focus on the process today. Read a biography and see the amount of time and failure that the greats had to work through.

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4. Overwhelm

I wake up about once a week knowing that 20 tasks need to be done. I want to do them all at once, but I can’t, so I do nothing.

Taking one task at a time is our only option.

I don’t know how to land a career, find a wife, preapre for a family, pay the bills and go to the dentist all at the same time. Unless these things are broken down into steps and I can take on one at a time, I’m lost.

The Antidotes: Simplify your life; you’re probably saying yes to way too many things. Organize your schedule, your desk and your car. Lower the bar. You can’t skip steps one through nine. Write down the one thing you want to complete every day and do that thing.

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5. Inaction

Taking action is the single most motivating thing you can do, and inaction is the single most powerful motivation sucker there is. The worst thing you can do to find motivation or inspiration is to wait for it. Waiting just makes it harder to get motivated to do anything.

The Antidotes: Commit to action every day. Consistency is key. Make yourself more scared of not doing something than you are of doing it.

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6. Loss of Meaning

If you feel like what you’re doing has no purpose, you are guaranteed to have zero motivation to do it. Without meaning, we feel lost, and sometimes as we search for meaning, we realize it’s not really there.

The truth is, few of us can truly believe in some grand purpose for our lives.

I have never found meaning in a quote or philosophy, only in taking action. We don’t need an abstract explanation of why something makes life meaningful; we just need to get lost in some activity.

The Antidotes: Focus on doing good work. Remind yourself that you don’t need a grand purpose to be happy. Aim bigger; express yourself with bad poetry, bad painting, bad singing, etc.

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7. No Skin In The Game

If you have something to lose, it’s easier to stay motivated.

I’ve never seen a man desperate to complain about not being motivated. I’ve never seen an entrepreneur who needed to prove himself to be lazy.

If you can’t get the motivation to do something, maybe you’re too comfortable. Maybe you need to raise the stakes and put yourself in a position where there is something to lose.

Sports are only fun to watch when you care about a certain team winning.

The Antidotes: Risk something and take a position.

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8. Crappy People

If you’re surrounded by people who suck, you are going to end up sucking, too.

If nobody around you is doing anything interesting, then how are you supposed to do anything interesting? It’s easy to be motivated if you’re surrounded by motivation.

The Antidotes: Cut out the five worst people in your life. Join a club you’re interested in or email someone online.

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Now

Sometimes you can do all these things and still struggle to find motivation. Maybe your subconscious is telling you that this isn’t the thing for you, or you need to shake things up in a bigger way.

Find what’s sucking your motivation and get rid of it. If you can’t figure it out, ask a close friend to weigh in and see how the two of you can change your mindset for the better.

http://elitedaily.com/life/motivation/8-things-need-banish-stay-motivated/665852/