Being overwhelmed

I’m a person who tends to get triggered easily. It doesn’t take much to make me overwhelmed, to trigger the “what if?” “holy crap” pile of thoughts. I’ve gotten much better throughout the years, but lately it’s been tough with so many things to plan and do.

So lately, I’ve been thinking of ways I can talk to myself without making matters worse. Because the dialogue in our heads can anddoes make matters worse. The words we use can create tidal waves, explosions, catastrophes inside our minds, which complicate our coping and incite our already stressed-out bodies.

Below are some quotes and statements that may help you, too, when you’re overwhelmed. Of course, they won’t work for everyone, and it depends on why you’re feeling overwhelmed. But I hope they inspire you to create your own list, which you can turn to when you need it.

• Breathe through it. Just breathe. Long. Deep. Slow.
• You’re healthy. Your loved ones are healthy. That is everything. It is all that matters.
• Focus on right now. Focus on your fingers dancing on the keyboard. Focus on the words you’re typing. Everything else will be there when you’re done.
• Take in this moment. It will pass all too quickly.
• You can’t please everyone. So start with yourself.
• You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.
• “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ Buddha
• I accept that I’m having a rough time, and I’m giving myself permission to feel it.
• It’s OK to ask for help — whatever that help looks like: seeing a therapist; talking to a friend; hiring a housekeeper, a professional organizer or movers.
• “Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.” ~ Erma Bombeck
• The kindest thing I can do for myself right now is …
• You’re not alone.
• I don’t have to feel any other way than I feel right now. I don’t have to feel happy or excited. I don’t have to feel sad or frustrated. Any feeling — however sudden or surprising — is welcome.
• “If people didn’t do silly things, nothing intelligent would ever happen.” ~ Ludwig Wittgenstein
• It’s a stressful time right now. It’s OK to take a break, to rest, to slow down, to nap, to say no.
• It’s OK to talk about how you feel — to let it out — with the people you trust.
• It’s OK to take care of yourself. In fact, it’s vital. Here are nine reasons why.
• “Every blade of grass has its Angel that bends over it and whispers, ‘Grow, grow.’” ~ The Talmud (Other beautifulquotes.)
• You can’t change anyone else, but you can change your actions, your thoughts, your approach. There is power in that. You hold that power.
• You can’t control it all. You can’t control most things. Let it go. There is liberation in letting go. But there is fear, and a tightness that only gets harder, rougher, more brittle when you’re trying to exert control.
• What I need right now is …
• “I have not failed, not once. I’ve simply discovered 10,000 ways that don’t work.” ~ Thomas Edison

What we say to ourselves when we’re overwhelmed can spike or shrink our stress. Find words that can serve as your soothing reminders.

Wheat People vs. Rice People Why Are Some Cultures More Individualistic Than Others?

AMERICANS and Europeans stand out from the rest of the world for our sense of ourselves as individuals. We like to think of ourselves as unique, autonomous, self-motivated, self-made. As the anthropologist Clifford Geertzobserved, this is a peculiar idea.

People in the rest of the world are more likely to understand themselves as interwoven with other people — as interdependent, not independent. In such social worlds, your goal is to fit in and adjust yourself to others, not to stand out. People imagine themselves as part of a larger whole — threads in a web, not lone horsemen on the frontier. In America, we say that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. In Japan, people say that the nail that stands up gets hammered down.

These are broad brush strokes, but the research demonstrating the differences is remarkably robust and it shows that they have far-reaching consequences. The social psychologist Richard E. Nisbett and his colleagues found that these different orientations toward independence and interdependence affected cognitive processing. For example, Americans are more likely to ignore the context, and Asians to attend to it. Show an image of a large fish swimming among other fish and seaweed fronds, and the Americans will remember the single central fish first. That’s what sticks in their minds. Japanese viewers will begin their recall with the background. They’ll also remember more about the seaweed and other objects in the scene.

Another social psychologist, Hazel Rose Markus, asked people arriving at San Francisco International Airport to fill out a survey and offered them a handful of pens to use, for example four orange and one green; those of European descent more often chose the one pen that stood out, while the Asians chose the one more like the others.

Dr. Markus and her colleagues found that these differences could affect health. Negative affect — feeling bad about yourself — has big, persistent consequences for your body if you are a Westerner. Those effects are less powerful if you are Japanese, possibly because the Japanese are more likely to attribute the feelings to their larger situation and not to blame themselves.

There’s some truth to the modernization hypothesis — that as social worlds become wealthier, they also become more individualistic — but it does not explain the persistent interdependent style of Japan, South Korea and Hong Kong.

In May, the journal Science published a study, led by a young University of Virginia psychologist, Thomas Talhelm, that ascribed these different orientations to the social worlds created by wheat farming and rice farming. Rice is a finicky crop. Because rice paddies need standing water, they require complex irrigation systems that have to be built and drained each year. One farmer’s water use affects his neighbor’s yield. A community of rice farmers needs to work together in tightly integrated ways.

Not wheat farmers. Wheat needs only rainfall, not irrigation. To plant and harvest it takes half as much work as rice does, and substantially less coordination and cooperation. And historically, Europeans have been wheat farmers and Asians have grown rice.

The authors of the study in Science argue that over thousands of years, rice- and wheat-growing societies developed distinctive cultures: “You do not need to farm rice yourself to inherit rice culture.”

Continue reading the main story

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 4 December 2014

I read this column purely as entertainment. Has no real value. What is next ? how eating butter vs margarine develops your social skills...

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Luhrmann has some interesting thoughts here, but the assumption seems to be that the interdependence observed in Asian cultures arose by...

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Their test case was China, where the Yangtze River divides northern wheat growers from southern rice growers. The researchers gave Han Chinese from these different regions a series of tasks. They asked, for example, which two of these three belonged together: a bus, a train and train tracks? More analytical, context-insensitive thinkers (the wheat growers) paired the bus and train, because they belong to the same abstract category. More holistic, context-sensitive thinkers (the rice growers) paired the train and train tracks, because they work together.

Asked to draw their social networks, wheat-region subjects drew themselves larger than they drew their friends; subjects from rice-growing regions drew their friends larger than themselves. Asked to describe how they’d behave if a friend caused them to lose money in a business, subjects from the rice region punished their friends less than subjects from the wheat region did. Those in the wheat provinces held more patents; those in the rice provinces had a lower rate of divorce.

I write this from Silicon Valley, where there is little rice. The local wisdom is that all you need is a garage, a good idea and energy, and you can found a company that will change the world. The bold visions presented by entrepreneurs are breathtaking in their optimism, but they hold little space for elders, for longstanding institutions, and for the deep roots of community and interconnection.

Nor is there much rice within the Tea Party. Senator Ted Cruz, Republican of Texas, declared recently that all a man needed was a horse, a gun and the open land, and he could conquer the world.

Wheat doesn’t grow everywhere. Start-ups won’t solve all our problems. A lone cowboy isn’t much good in the aftermath of a Hurricane Katrina. As we enter a season in which the values of do-it-yourself individualism are likely to dominate our Congress, it is worth remembering that this way of thinking might just be the product of the way our forefathers grew their food and not a fundamental truth about the way that all humans flourish.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/04/opinion/why-are-some-cultures-more-individualistic-than-others.html?_r=0

5 Things You Should Tell Yourself Before You Go To Bed

Why is it when we always lie down for bed, we're suddenly flooded with negative thoughts, worst-case scenarios and scads of mental to-do lists?

Getting the recommended amount of Zzs should be something we strive for, but our brains have a way of making those extra hours a little elusive. Ruminating over your worries as your head hits the pillow can put you on the fast track to a restless night. So, perhaps, the solution for drifting off to dreamland lies in what we tell ourselves before we crawl under the sheets.

If you're looking for a little calm before shutting those eyes, try these five sleep mantras instead.

"I'm thankful for..."

What can't gratitude do? Practicing thankfulness can increase our happiness levels, boost our immune systems and strengthen our relationships -- and, yes, it can also help us sleep better. Before you go to bed, reflect on what you're thankful for (or, better yet, write it down). You may sleep in the dark, but you'll be looking at the bright side.

"Let it be."

Have you ever heard of the saying "never go to bed angry"? Research shows reflecting on negative emotions after we crawl into bed makes it less likely that we'll get adequate rest, according to a 2012 study.

That doesn't necessarily mean you have to resolve all conflicts before going to sleep (in fact, as Women's Health reported earlier this year, it may work in your benefit to wait until the morning), you should clear your mind of anxieties when you shut those eyes. Whether the conflict requires an apology, a pause or just some time to talk it out, make sure you have peace of mind before you hit the pillow.

"I am strong."

Or -- if you prefer another adjective -- kind, brave and loved all work, too. The point is to reflect on your accomplishments, strengths and characteristics. A 2014 study suggests that self-acceptance is crucial to a happier life, yet we rarely practice it. We could all use a little boost -- and aren't these positive thoughts infinitely nicer to think about than the mishap we had at work that day?

"How can I make this better?"

If you're stuck in a creative rut, try asking yourself the specific question you've been trying to solve right as you go to bed. According to best-selling author Steven Kotler, your solution might lie in your sleeping brain through lucid dreaming. "It is pretty easy to ask the intrinsic system a question ... Out loud or silently, doesn’t seem to matter," he writes in a Psychology Today post on hacking creativity. You may just land on that "aha!" moment you've been consciously striving for.

"I will find calm."

f you have been tossing and turning for a while, you may find solace in focusing on one calming phrase, according to wellness expert Deepak Chopra, M.D. Repeat the mantra silently to yourself. If you find yourself becoming distracted, gently return your thoughts to just the repetition of that phrase. Check out these suggestions for more calming mantras to try.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/02/sleep-mantras_n_6392204.html

What romance really is

I think a lot of people don’t understand what real romance is. Anyone can buy flowers, candy and jewelry. The truly romantic things in life are those little things you do every day to show you care, and that you’re thinking of them. It’s going out of your way to make them happy. The way you hold her hand when you know she’s scared, or you save the last piece of cake for him. The random text or call in the middle of the day, just to say “I love you” or “I miss you”. The way he stops to kiss you when he passes by. It’s dedicating her favorite song to her, and letting her eat your fries; telling her she’s beautiful. It’s putting your favorite show on pause so she can tell you about her day, and laughing at his jokes, even the really lame ones. It’s slow dancing in the kitchen and kissing in the rain. Romance isn’t about buying, it’s about giving. True romance is in gestures.

10 Simple Things That’ll Make You Productive Every Day

Do you always find yourself thinking what to do for the day when your boss is not around, or you are just caught in the middle of idleness? Guess what? You are not alone. There are simple things for us to do to make our days count, and finally live up to the idea, “Carpe Diem”.

1. Exercise

There’s no excuse on this when you find yourself sitting on your desk and just fidgeting. There’s not even an acceptable excuse when you’re on your 30s and you still don’t invest in your health. Get up, do some minute push-ups, burpees, wall-sit, and/or sit ups. There is even a seven-minute workout app you may download to psyche you up when the day seems a drag. Health is wealth, darling.

2. Come up with 10 new ideas every day.

A new art project, a blog concept, a new write-up you may want to publish. ANYTHING. There’s nothing wrong with your ideas. What’s wrong is when minds get idle, and you think of being negative and unproductive. At most ten (or at least) things for each day will not only get you excited about these ideas but also make your brain function the moment you say hello to another great day.

3. Read the news.

Ignorance is bad. The way you perceive news depends on how you want your day to end either. Majority of the headlines speaks of negativity, but who cares? At least the essence of news is to be aware, to be notified, to be informed. Go grab that newspaper from your mailman and stay up-to-date!

4. Write.

There are ideas that will just spring from any given moment of our lives that not writing it down will make us forget it. It’s true. When you go to the mall, and you happen to stay in a café, or dine in a restaurant, grab a pen and paper and write about the things you notice – the water stain on the utensils, or even to the interiors of the place. Your waiting time will be fun.

5. Play the devil’s advocate.

There are couple of ideas we see and hear in the Internet, in between coffee breaks, or during seminars. Play the devil’s advocate and criticize. I mean an intellectual, sensible, and logical criticism here. Through this you get to understand fully the situation, and you get to converse with the most intelligent minds in the room. You won’t regret it.

6. Have a Word-of-the-Day

Technology has simplified the way we do things, right? Why not have a daily vocabulary app and improve your diction? How does ‘obsequious’ appeal to you?

7. Make two (2) lists. One is “Work-related Skills I Want To Have” and the other, “Things I Want To Achieve in the Future”

These two lists will make you want to see a bigger picture of yourself and how you want to make the most out of your life. There’s nothing wrong in dreaming big. The thing here is you get to know what you want. How about start with a beginner’s course in using Adobe software?

8. Make an “I DID” List.

To be happy, productive and successful means recognizing your efforts and being grateful for the day that has passed. Making an “I did” list ensures that no matter how the day ended up, you still get to see the positive side of it through the things you have achieved and accomplished.

9. Read a chapter of a (1) fiction, and (2) non-fiction.

This does not only make you human, but reading in general adds up to your being. (It also makes you oh-so-smart.)

10. Enjoy the Art of Doing Nothing

This may seem contradictory but it is not. Setting up some time to do nothing just leaves you a breather from all the things that you are used to do. Just be in bed, listen to music, and enjoy the rest of the day. 

13 Simple Tricks To A Long And Happy Marriage

It's no secret that marriage takes work. After all, we're only human, and humans make mistakes, have bad days and sometimes even forget to load the dishwasher (again).

Nevertheless, some couples are able to foster happy, healthy, totally awesome marriages that actually do last a lifetime. How?

A a Reddit thread emerged Sunday asking the happily hitched to reveal their secrets to marital success. Here's what they had to say:

1. Be nice. 
"Choose kindness whenever you can -- you should be AT LEAST as nice to your spouse as you would a stranger or you were when you started dating."

2. Enjoy each other's company. 
"My wife and I are each other's best friend. We like each other's company. We like having fun. We like doing stuff together. We are honest and direct with one another."

3. Say "I love you" as much as possible. 
"Overuse 'I love you'. Seriously. Just say it to him/her like five times and MEAN IT. This lets your SO know that you care. Look at them and say 'I love you so much, you mean the world to me, I appreciate all the things you do for me and our family.'"

4. Be honest. 
"Be honest about shit that pisses you off, don't sweat the small stuff, and have good sex."

5. Limit outside influences.
"Out of state in-laws."

6. Small tokens of love go a long way. 
"Lots of wee lovings. Frequent demonstrations, in the form of gifts, and expressions of affection, which indicate your emotional addiction."

7. Distance can and will make the heart grow fonder. 
"Have alone time. I believe that it helps if you or your partner goes away for a couple of hours, a weekend or maybe a week once in a while. My wife travels to Europe every four months and I get to play video games and eat fried dumplings all day long and I enjoy it -- until day four at which I start missing her and wish she was here. So when I pick her up from the airport we are both happy to see each other again."

8. Be realistic. 
"Me and my wife constantly acknowledge what we love about one another, but also wenever forget about the 80/20 rule. No one person will ever give you a 100 percent of what you need, we estimate that we each give each other about 80 percent of what the other person needs in a relationship. Recognizing this allows you see the reality of your partnership and not over-romanticize it."

9. Cherish each other. 
"Don't forget how important the little things are, like a hug or a compliment. Don'ttake each other for granted."

10. Be your own person. 
"One must understand the importance of we, but also remember there will always be a you and I. It's so easy to the think of yourselves as one person once you get married or start dating. But you always have to remember that you're both completely separate individuals in that, as close and as similar you are, you will have differences in opinion and taste."

11. Build a strong foundation of friendship. 
"You have to be friends. Your husband or wife should be someone that you'd want to hang out with. Of course you have to have the sexual aspect but that's not enough to sustain a relationship. You're going to go through hard times and you need someone who you want to spend your time with."

12. Know that relationships are a two way street. 
"Be honest about what you want and need and listen to your spouse about what they want and need."

13. Lastly, no marriage is perfect -- and that's okay. 
"Understand that nothing is perfect forever. There are going to be disagreements. There will be times when your partner says or does something that hurts you. The happy relationships will talk about it and work through it. The bad relationships will let it stew until it becomes an even bigger problem."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/06/happy-marriage-advice_n_5941372.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

An Introvert’s Guide to Networking

very week, I get invited to another “must attend” business event sure to be full of important people who could affect my business. I know I should go, but it’s a chore. All too often, I end up standing in a corner clinging to the one person I know, feeling guilty that I’m not taking advantage of the situation.

Recently, I attended a business women’s networking breakfast, held in a large warehouse near the waterfront. I marched through the door and collected my name tag to confront a roomful of 1,200 colorfully dressed, high-energy women chattering. Everyone appeared to be having a great time, making connections.

What next? Do I know anyone here? If I stand all alone will people think I’m weird? I feel my chest tighten.

I suspect that many of us struggle at these events, but few admit it. Everyone slaps on a smile and wanders around the room shaking hands, laughing and exchanging business cards. Inside, some of us feel awkward, loitering at the edge of conversations, unsure whether to enter the group or slip away.

That’s me. If you follow my posts, this may surprise you. I’ve built a powerful network and convinced leaders from Google, eBay, Twitter and Facebook to support my start-up, so you might suppose that I’m an expert schmoozer. Truth is, as an introvert, I’ve struggled with networking for years. I’d much rather be home reading a book.

But I recognize the importance of this type of activity, so I stick to it — primarily because a few chance encounters at events have led to relationships that have made all the difference in my business. I have to accept that networking doesn’t come naturally to me, and that’s hard. I’m a perfectionist. I like to be good at things. So I’ve developed techniques to help me form relationships and improve, even enjoy, the networking process. If you, too, struggle with networking, here are a few ideas that may help.

Have short conversations with lots of people. Follow up later.

I find it difficult to form deep connections at events. Instead, I try to have short conversations with as many people as possible, making sure I have their contact information so I can follow up later. If I see someone I want to talk to, I politely dart in and say, “I’m sorry to interrupt, but such and such suggested we meet. I have to run in a minute and just wanted to get your business card so I can follow up later.” It’s quite hard for people to say no to this. And then after the event, I reach out and set up lunch or coffee. That’s an environment in which I’m much more comfortable.

Focus on what you’re good at.

Although I find large informal groups a challenge, I know that I perform well in formal presentation settings or one-on-one conversations. Instead of worrying about my inability to charm at large-group events, I focus my on my more natural ability to engage people one-on-one and to speak publicly. If you can kill it in a one-on-one presentation, that’s all you need to do to build a network.

It’s about forming a few close relationships.

Some people have hundreds or even thousands of people in their network. Other than on social networks where I don’t know most of the people to whom I’m supposedly connected, I’d say my close business network includes about 15 people, but they are special. Every year, I meet between one and three people who are magic. It’s never about what this person can do for me; it’s a realization that I’ve encountered someone I can learn from. Almost all of the good things that have come to me have come from one of these 15 people.

We introverts have different strengths. For example, check out this great TED talk by Susan Cain on “The Power of Introverts.” I spent years thinking that I should be different — louder, funnier, more extroverted. Now I recognize the need to be grateful for the talents that I do have.

Rebekah Campbell is chief executive of Posse. You can follow her on Twitter.

http://boss.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/10/15/an-introverts-guide-to-networking/?_php=true&_type=blogs&smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&_r=0